Some days I have so much fun playing in bed with the kids before getting up and starting the chore of making the bed, getting breakfast started… I am in awe of how amazing these two human beings are and how different but how much the same. Then there are days where I cannot wait to get to work. Am I a bad mother? Sometimes I wonder, after 3 long days, lots of time outs and constant clinging of a one year old… I am excited it is Sunday, and I am starting my week at work again. Because I am a chef, I work strange hours, but since having my son (who is now 3) I only work 4 days a week. They are sometimes quite long days… but come Wednesday night… I am off… then I don’t head back until Sunday.
Sometimes Sunday comes too fast… I fight back a tear as I say goodbye to the kids and head out the door… others times… I’m running and not even looking back. I don’t know if it is lack of me time… or what..I am constantly in a battle over this.
…a friend told me today that I should write a blog… I explained to her that I am not really that good with words, and I speak more with my food. It got me to thinking… thinking that I have come a long way.
I don’t think anyone that knows me now, would ever have thought that I was plagued with eating disorders when I was a teenager. Imagine that, a chef, someone who works with food everyday… being at times anorexic and bulemic (more anorexic). I think it is a bit ironic, and empowering. I know now that my food issues when I was young were more about having control in my life (which with two young children of my own right now) I have come to realize there is no such thing…
I have a good relationship with food now, and I enjoy cooking it, eating it and more importantly preparing it for others. I find it therapeutic to knead dough to make beautiful loaves of bread, or to whip sugar and butter to a perfect “creaming method” till the butter turns white and the sugar has almost dissolved, or to slowly sauté a mirepoix to bring out the best flavor in a soup… it is a relaxing therapy of senses that I have come to enjoy over the years.
If you were to ask me when did it all change, when did the switch go off in my head, I really couldn’t tell you… all I know is, I can make a kick ass Italian butter cream, and I’ll even lick the beaters.